Leave my vagina out of this!

So… me and my friend were sat playing Call of Duty on the Xbox, and admittedly, it wasn’t our best performance. After the match, whilst we were celebrating another successful attempt at trying to win (so basically we lost), one of our team mates decided to send me a message to let me know that:

“u n youre m8 r shit”

Obviously, I was devastated. Here was yet another example of the failure of the educational system. Another poor soul, doomed to a life of terrible sentence construction, and possibly even worse verbal communication skills. I knew I had to act! I responded to this uneducated twat, moron, douchebag (all of the above), and pointed out that whilst we might have been a bit shit, at least we are in the happy position of having mastery over the English language. I also pointed out that really, sentences should begin with a capital letter, and perhaps, controversially, letters should be used instead of numbers (unless you are counting). Sadly, my constructive feedback was not well received. The response I got back was:

“haha is this school saddo”

I thought, “well, that’s a good point!” and suggested to this uneducated twat, moron, douchebag that perhaps maybe he should consider going back to school as clearly he was still in need of tuition. This helpful suggestion was once again ignored, and uneducated twat, moron, douchebag continued to respond without any form of punctuation, and missing letters:

“look youre shit dnt play ranked shit cunt”

As my previous advice was clearly being ignored, it occurred to me that maybe, he simply didn’t understand what I was saying. So, to avoid confusion, I simply replied with the correct spelling for “you’re” and “don’t”. I must stress, I really was just trying to help! To this, he responded with:

“saddo lol spell check what a geek”

I find this rather ironic, as he clearly has no understanding of what spellcheck actually is, despite the fact he desperately needs one. Also, fun fact! Being able to spell makes you a geek… Who knew?! Once again, I pointed out that I was simply trying to help. Was I wrong to do so? He then responds:

“coz u cant play cod youre spell checking, like its an insult sad old man”

I was delighted! Finally! The appearance of a comma! Perhaps I was finally starting to reach him! Sadly, he was wrong about me having a penis (last time I checked), so I decided to share with him that I was actually a girl. Now. This is where I learnt something from him. He replied…

“now i no why youre shit coz you is a fat slag”

It was a revelation! For years, I have been wondering why my kill/death ratio on this game isn’t very good… and now I know. It’s because I’m fat! Maybe my thumbs are too big for the controller? Maybe the excess flesh on my knees makes me uncomfortable as I try to game? These are all possibilities I had never even considered, and suddenly everything in my life up to this point made sense. However, the phrase ‘you is’, had not escaped my notice, and being honest, I was starting to think that maybe he just didn’t get it. Had I started to hope too soon when I saw the comma? I think so. I decided to try another tactic, and scare him into realising the importance of education, and suggested he might not achieve much with his life if he did not improve his spelling and grammar. To this, he came up with perhaps the finest insult I have ever heard…

“fishy fanny go wash”

I was stunned! All I had tried to do was help this person improve his ability to spell, and here he was making comments on the cleanliness of my vagina. I would like to point out, that my vagina is so clean it sparkles. It’s like Edward Cullens face in the sun! However, this is besides the point. It became clear to me at this point that I was never going to be able to help this poor soul, and I wished him luck with his future (and forever) employment at Asda! Not that there is anything wrong with working with Asda, but lets face it, it’s not exactly aiming high. I bid farewell, and off I went. However! With one final message, he sent me:

“i know youre fat simple as”

Again, I was stunned! I’ve heard people talk of hidden cameras before, but I had no idea there was one in my house. How else could he have known? Or, was he simply saying that you can only spell if you are fat? Who knows.

Now that I have shared this enlightening experience with you all, I hope you, my fellow fatties, take comfort in the knowledge that you alone can spell. Congratulations. You may have fat thumbs, but the power of language is at your disposal. Go forth, and correct spelling wheresoever you may find it.

Much love,



  6 comments for “Leave my vagina out of this!

  1. January 23, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    You made laugh out loud. Usually I stay away from any adult type humor, but I got so caught up in this story. I even shared with my husband and he laughed out loud too. Rude punk. LOL!


  2. Jo
    January 23, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    Lol! Always glad to amuse 🙂


  3. leverton86
    March 15, 2016 at 8:32 am

    Horrendous man, but brilliantly post! Cracking up here!!


    • Jo
      March 17, 2016 at 8:08 am

      Awwww thanks 🙂


  4. leverton86
    March 15, 2016 at 8:33 am

    Argggghhhh – BRILLIANT!! I meant BRILLIANT, not brilliantly :-s


    • Jo
      March 17, 2016 at 8:09 am

      Will let you off on this occasion 😉


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