Weigh Day: -2 (and a lot of self pity)


Well, as expected, this weeks loss is much lower than last weeks. It’s a fact that the more you have to lose, the quicker you lose at the start. On average, I want to lose 2lbs a week so this is where I want to be. It’s easy to complain, but the reality is that I want to lose weight in a safe, controlled fashion… reading this back, I’m not sure why I’ve put this much effort into justifying my respectable 2lb loss, so I’m going to stop now. 

Anyway. Last week went well! Well, in terms of food anyway. I ate sensibly and reaped the rewards. I did have a proper moment of struggle in the week though where I just felt like it was all a bit much. I got home, realised I had to workout, cook dinner, cook next days lunch and take a shower. All in the 4 hours before bed. I stuck to it though. This week I’ve tried to be better, and so at the weekend Dan and I made 9litres of soup, which should last 9 days. It’s currently chilling in the freezer (see what I did there?), and it’s nice knowing I don’t have to cook anything this week but dinner. 

As for exercise, I diligently finished my first 10 days of the Beginner 30 Day Shred, and by the end I wasn’t feeling it. It felt like I was too comfortable. Today I started doing the proper version, and god was it tough. I couldn’t do it without rest intervals, and at one point I was concerned I wasn’t going to make it to the end without a heart attack. The good news is that I did. Oh, and I also tried yoga. Never again. 

As for motivation? Well. Bleh. I’m currently having a bit of an issue with my body not doing as it’s told and it’s starting to get to me. Essentially, I’ve been having my period for the past 5 weeks. 5. I’ve spent a fortune on Bodyform, and I’m so far beyond over it that’s it’s not even funny. They say that your body can take a while to sort itself out after a miscarriage, and given I also have broken ovaries (PCOS) which are made worse by my massive weight, I currently feel stuck. It’s a strange feeling, like I’m kinda trapped in this cycle. Every time I think it’s over, it’s not. 5 weeks. I’m going to book an appointment to see my GP to see if they can help, but it’s really grinding me down. It doesn’t help that everywhere I look, someone is pregnant. One of the girls at work is pregnant, everyone on Facebook is pregnant, I looked at joining a slimming world group last week and all the photos were of pregnant women. I feel like everyone in the world is pregnant except for me, and I can’t get pregnant because I’m stuck in the period from hell. Emotionally, it’s really quite taxing. I’m pleased for all these people who are expecting, genuinely. It’s just that on the inside, I’m also seething with jealously. It’s not pretty, it’s not nice, and it’s making me unhappy. I don’t think it helps that I’ve just gone past my due date, so I’ve been feeling a little forlorn anyway. It’s hard. I always thought I was really well adjusted to my situation but I guess not. 

I think talking about it helps. After my post about my miscarriage, I’ve been trying to not automatically gloss over the subject, so I’ve not shied away from mentioning it. It’s still wierd to me, which is odd given I wrote a whole post about it. I think it’s because I don’t want people to assume I’m saying it because I want sympathy or attention. I don’t. Your sympathy and attention will do nothing for me at this point. I just don’t want to feel like it’s a secret I should have kept. Like it never happened. I don’t know. This has all got very serious for what is usually a rather light hearted post. 

I’m just miserable. I’m over the bleeding. I’m over the fat. I’m over quite a lot of things at the minute. 

Ah well, these things are sent to try us. 

Much love,

xXx

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